CODY SHIMIZU

A look into my life, a journal to look back on, a blog for others to see.

Change = Scary

Another 365 days have passed as we throw away our old calendars and make new year’s resolutions 2018 comes to a close. Looking back, I personally saw a big transition in my life this past year. I started off the year struggling through the second half of my first year in university, I’ve gotten used to the massive lecture halls, ferociously typing out notes before the professor switches the slides, and more open-ended learning. All the while still working at Redbike and at least trying to do some training for the cycling season. Then during winter reading week, I headed out to Victoria to do some riding, in the back of my mind I was definitely hoping to get some good training in but in the end just ended up riding around for fun, more than any training I was able to get in.

Through the spring I wasn’t as nearly as motivated as Id hoped I would be to do more training. I just couldn’t convince myself get out and ride, but all this not training was making me anxious and stressed out. It was a lot combined with the stresses of school. Cycling had been such a big part of my identity that I was scared that I almost didn’t know who I was anymore. Or who I would be without cycling.

As spring approached and I finally finished my winter semester of university I did a few trips to the mountains with my now ex-girlfriend. Following a few hikes/scrambles from last year I did with Jonathan we did Yamnuska and Heart Mountain. It sparked something inside me, the want to explore nature. To just be outside and exploring places less travelled (I know those two are fairly popular hikes, but they were unknown to me).

Inside I felt a shift in perspective, I was going back to the roots to why I got hooked on mountain biking so much, the want to explore. I still remember the first few years of mountain biking going on group rides and finding out about new trails all around the river valley, then I would go back out by myself and try and ride any technical sections that I was too afraid to ride. Scrambling was just another way for me to explore, places even inaccessible by bike.

As summer rolled around I made my rounds to the usual races in Alberta, starting with spring series, then the mountain bike races in Canmore. Racing mid pack expert, it was my first year not seeing any improvements from the year before it was a little disappointing. I also did a few new events this year, without my pure cross-country mountain biking focus I was more open to spending my few free weekends between work on other events. The Salty Dog 6 Hour Enduro with Sidney was incredibly fun riding new trails in Salmon Arm, I’ve always heard about good things in Salmon Arm; they were right. Also, the Ghost of Gravel going along with the gravel racing revolution going on in the cycling world right now, although I bonked hard expect to see me at next year’s start line.

This shift away from the focus of performance and more towards exploring and enjoying was great, or so I kept telling myself. I mean... it wasn’t bad, I was out hiking a lot without a structured training plan I wasn’t stressing over missed training sessions, I could do whatever kind of ride I wanted to do. But in the back of my mind I couldn’t shake the feeling of being disappointed and afraid, I had even picked my university degree based on this performance driven focus. It had defined me during the most formative years of my life, I would be growing out of my “teenage years” later this year and I felt like I was already losing who I was. Or who I thought I would be. Perhaps I just got comfortable with who I was and even when I knew I needed to, change was just too scary.

Riding this new wave of the want to explore I decided to try out bikepacking, as I followed along forestry trunk road, pedaling in the pouring rain for hours on end being scared for my life because I felt so out of control was maybe what I just needed to take a step back and re-evaluate where I was going to go with this life thing. Near the end of the summer I went to Calgary to do a road race, a criterium to be exact. In the end I ended up being reminded of my failures to be the athlete who I wanted to be almost getting dropped from the group then coming out of it with a few road rashes and both my wheels destroyed from a guy crashing right in front of me. Just another reality check. To top things off I ended the last weekend of summer with mountain bike provincials, where they didn’t have my category so I had to race with the elites. I was off the back from the start and just rode by myself for the entire “race”. Reality, check.

Then the next day I went rock climbing outside for the first time, since taking a rock climbing course as part of my degree at university I’ve really enjoyed the sport. Maybe it’s just me acting out of desperation to find something to define myself, but all I know is at least I’m enjoying it for now. The idea of having the skills to move and go wherever I wanted in the mountains was appealing to me, having the skills and knowledge to use a rope and travel efficiently and safely. The sense of exploring was starting to seem more appealing.

Then September and October had been an exciting few weeks with constant trips out to the mountains with close cycling friends and the University of Alberta Outdoors Club (UAOC). The weekends were heaven away from dreary Edmonton, forgetting about the stresses of school, work, and finances only to come back to it on Sunday evenings. But the new friends I made through the UAOC were refreshing, after taking a step away from cycling I haven’t had much opportunity to meet like-minded people close to my age. I’m not the most social person out there, hard to relate to others a bit socially awkward but I wanted to make as many friends as possible.

Through meeting lots of new people at the UAOC I really started noticing really how much I care about what others think about me. Even when I constantly tell myself and even others about how little I care about other people’s opinions about me even down to a sub-conscious level I care, a lot. To a certain degree I think it’s human nature, but also at a certain point why do I care so much? I just don’t know. Looking back, I think a part of me knew but didn’t want to admit I wanted to be an athlete for the wrong reasons. How popular I would be if I was fast, fit, strong. Just another chunk of the world that was crumbling around me.

The next few months into Christmas break I was struggling to motivate myself to ride my bike at all, I barely touched it. Academically I was having a hard time as well with only the few trips to the mountains to help keep my sanity. Going to the mountains was incredibly relaxing like hitting a reset button, walking up small trails away from civilization I felt like I was too far away from my problems that they couldn’t bug me, or I was just hiding from them. With each summit, a rush of adrenaline allowing me to avoid reality for a day only for the drive home to feel like a death march into the unknown.

During winter break I got my marks back, much worse than I was hoping for shaking my confidence in the degree I choose. Do I REALLY want to be a kinesiology’s? If you would’ve asked me an year ago I would’ve bet my life on it, but now? I wouldn’t risk betting my life on it, somewhere inside I know this is what I want to do, but how can I trust myself when I don’t even know who I am. The idea of who I want to be and who I was becoming was becoming so misaligned I was getting nervous.

I like to believe that everyone goes through this at some point in their lives. As cheesy as I thought it was in middle school; what is my identity? My 12 years old smart ass answer would be “Its on my school ID!” but now I wouldn’t be able to tell you.

2019 New Year’s Resolution: Don’t be afraid of change